I am fine.

So… Today was the day.  Back to the shrink I went.  Overall thumbs up.  When I first entered the hall there was a big handmade poster in red marker claiming that you needed to go and have a health check in room 207 to see if you have the flu.  207?  I see an open door just prior to the sign… good possibility.  I ask the lady where I go.  She asks me if I’m visiting someone… turns out if the frothing from the mouth goes away and you suddenly are deemed… oh I don’t know what.  I told her that I am a patient.  She asks me if I have the flu.  I tell her “no”.  She says I can go but that she’s not the health nurse.  Random.  I sit in the waiting room.  It all feels the same but different.  The shit magazines are missing.  I have nothing to read but women’s fashion magazines which do nothing for self esteem.  Probably not a good place for them.

My doctor comes to the waiting room.  He is pleased to see me.  He smiles like he’s not supposed to smile.  He asks me the same question he always asks when I see him.  ”How are you?”  I tell him I am fine.  He asks again, incase I want to change my mind before the door closes? Ha.  Turns out the last time I saw him was March 6.  That was a long time ago.  He says that last time I saw him I was off and on… both in mental stability and pharmaceutically.  He asks me how things have been.  I tell him.  Things have been wonderful.  They really have.  I had the most amazing summer since… since I was like… actually… maybe EVER! I’m not so enthusiastic in my answer as I am here but I am honest.  I tell him that I feel great.  I still have problems and difficulties.  I cry a bit.  It’s okay.  We talk about work, family, friends.  We talked about people and places in the past and their influence on me now.  My doctor and I are much happier about these subjects now.  I say sarcastic things about myself – partly because I believe them – but more so to be funny.  This man knows no humor.  He tells me that I am a wonderful person and that I have always deserved much better.  I know that he means this.  He wouldn’t have said it unless he did.  We also discuss how some things don’t change… like how I do too much.  We both know that this is a coping mechanism, that sometimes doesn’t work but for the most part its successful.  I cry a few more times.  I am safe.  I release.  And I am fine.  I am just fine.

Hiccups, Insecurities and Mad Ramblings (but not as bad as they have been)

You know what? I’m not sure I can pull this off.  Things are fine.  School is fine.  Work is fine. Life is fine but you know what…. overall there is this nagging thing in me that asks “do you really think you can pull this off?”  Pull what off??!!   Maybe it’s just autumn.  Maybe it’s 7:30 and the sun or the hopes of such are long gone.  Maybe it’s rained for a week and my spirits are diminishing because of that.  So here I am just humming along and well… it’s not a wall but a speed bump of sorts… maybe even a hiccup that asks me to self reflect for a minute and ask myself if these are lies that I’m projecting or if this just my new truth.  (New truth?)  Even now as I write this I feel a bit scat.  I’m not even sure what lies or not lies I am talking to myself about.  Maybe it’s about keeping myself too busy because I’m hiding from some big unknown, oh I don’t even know… I think I’m just making this up now.  

Last night my friend had said how she was lonely and wanted a boyfriend for the winter.  I thought it was nonsense.  She is lovely and smart and independent and well actually, quite brilliant.  What does she need an ol’ man hanging around her neck for?  I told her that I would be her boyfriend which thankfully didn’t meet her requirements so to speak.  The idea of loneliness and companionship seemed like far and removed ideas to me last night even in the wee of the hours.  Today – or rather tonight – not so distant needy notions.  Maybe it has to do with an email I received from you know who.  It was about him wanting to get together but not having the time or what have you, for me right now.  Essentially… it was just more rejection.  I am more mad at myself about not being able to step aside.  I am a terrible person.  I really am.  And I am more terrible to myself than anything else and I don’t know how to stop.  It turns out that there is no pill and talking seems to make it worse.  Maybe being busy is the answer.  Maybe moving to the other side of the world will provide me with the clarity I need to maintain some sort of normalcy.  I feel like all I do is nag on and nag about the same old thing on this blog but you know what…?  it is an accurate reflection of my insecure pathetic awkward self.  This is where I vent and decompress.  Thankfully it has been less frequently but I did make an appointment with my psychiatrist who I will see  few weeks from now.  That’ll be a story no doubt.

HAPPY BACK TO SCHOOL!!!

I’m a liar.  I said that I would write and then… I don’t.  I have no defense.  Life is busy and time only seems to increase with speed.  This frightens me a bit.  Since I last blogged that “No decisions based on fear” bullshit I still have yet to make a doctor’s appointment.  It has remained on my list of things to do however.  Tomorrow.

I have kind of been losing my shit again.  My mental breakdown however is solely based on jealousy.  I don’t want to get too much into it because jealous is not a pretty emotion and particularly one whose faint hope of romanticism fails when explored in the public realm.  As usual, it’s all about a boy who is no good for me and who I actually don’t love but can’t seem to get out of my idealistic thoughts, and a girl who is not helping his happiness though she probably thinks she is when actually he is using her because he can’t find peace within himself because he no longer owns his life – everyone else does.  Simply put, he’s acting out and she’s apart of it.  And because I am a terrible person I wish her dead.  She’s such a people pleaser and particularly a man pleaser that she’d probably be cool with the fact that he and I still see each other for dinner.  I’m sure he doesn’t tell her everything. (wink).

OK! OK! – SO ONTO HAPPIER, MORE UPLIFTING NOTES:

Today is Labor Day!  That means tomorrow is like the unofficial New Year!  I love back to school!! Even when I wasn’t in school I still loved back to school.  It signifies a new set of challenges, a change in weather, and a return to routine.  I am very excited about the opportunities that lie ahead.  I am a bit nervous which is I guess normal.  I don’t remember feeling this nervous last year but maybe I was.  There are all of those old haunting questions like “What if I’m not good enough?”, “What if I fail?”, “What if I have no good ideas?”, oh and trust me, the list goes on and on.  There is a young girl at work – she is a spit fire – and she is starting college this year.  She’s quite nervous about everything as well.  It seems a bit funny because I believe that I know her quite well and to think that she would be nervous seems completely ridiculous.  She is bright, witty, damn funny, opinionated and thoughtful.  She is all that she should be.  I know she’s going to great in school and to hear her doubts seems almost comical.  She will have tough times, she will lose sleep.  Hell, she may even fail an exam but she is going to be fine.  Better than fine.  When I think of her reservations it all seems a bit absurd.  Maybe I should give my nervousness the same love that I give to her.

No decisions based on fear. No decisions based on fear. No decisions based on fear.

I am now working on the better half of 3 1/2 months of sanity which I will continue to boast about.  When I initially stopped seeing my shrink I had it in my mind that I would just stop for a bit and then continue to see him sometime in the future on a less regular basis.  Sounds fair enough doesn’t it?  Generally I’m not such a fan of compromise but I think this was a workable one – true, a compromise between me and myself but nonetheless.  As the calender declares, September is literally just around the corner – school begins, routines take root again, expectations and stress build up, and to boot – the damn sun goes south! which leaves my pasty skin as the only thing glowy about me.  As you might expect, if I haven’t otherwise guided your thought process, now is as good as anytime to get back to the chaise longue.  OF COURSE THERE IS A TWIST.  Providing that there is even an appointment available – my doctor works for the state and well, we know how stretched our medical resources are – so yes! back to the complication.  The difficulty in this story is of course me.  There is something within me that does not allow for me to pick up that phone and make an appointment.  I understand that despite myself, it is long term the best thing I could do.  I am after all, lucky enough to have a doctor and in my city too.  When my family doctor referred me to get further help she advised that I may have to travel as far as Toronto to get the help that I needed.  Dr.Zebrowski was newish to town and was still taking a few patients and I was one of them.  He also deals with all of the uncertified nut jobs who walk through the hospital doors either trying to kill themselves or others.  All in all, I am damn lucky to have him on my side AND, I am a dick.  I can’t afford to lose him and yet there is something, – - fear?, that stops me in my tracks and makes me shutter at the idea of going back into the room, of… of… what?  Maybe I’m afraid of the reality that depression doesn’t actually go away.  Maybe I’m afraid that he will blow my cover – my delusional cover.  Maybe he will make me answer questions that I do not want brought up.  I do not want to talk about… my secrets.  The problem is that I’ve been a patient for so long that I no longer have any secrets.  There is no line that this man will not cross.  I want lines!  I want borders.  Borders are protecting me right now.  There may still be an elephant in the room and ignoring sometimes does work.

A month or so ago I declared that it was best to live your life – that’s right, YOUR life – not necessarily mine with the mantra “No decisions based on fear”.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I decide to be honest with myself and realize that happiness and reality can co-exist. Maybe.

Trying to think for myself and not be so quick to judge.

So, back to school is now around the corner.  I am so glad I go to school!  I love everything about it including the things that I don’t, like con-ed students in the visual arts program. Arh! I’m looking  forward to new challenges, new ways of thinking and the opportunities that accompany them.  I believe that if I didn’t have school I may actually be an insane bumbling fool, which isn’t to say that I’m not now, it’s just easier to hide behind the guise of intellect.  This year I’m going to be studying FULL TIME which is such a luxury for me.  This fall I will be taking a digital video course with Duncan, a contemporary multi-media class with Arnie, Canadian identity though the ages with Keri and then of course my independent study with Judy.

I’ve been working on my independent study quite a bit lately.  For my independent study I am examining my journeys both to China (this past May and June)  and India (where I am headed at Christmas) and how these countries influence my daily life and what it is exactly that they offer the world.  I live in a small blue collar city whose main industry is auto manufacturing.  With outsourcing, raw materials, and labour costs our small GM plant’s life is in jeopardy.  For my independent study I am examining the questions that influence such realities.  I am not concerned with the right or the wrong of the matter because truth be told I’m not sure there is one.  What’s good for me isn’t necessarily what’s good for you.  This simple fact when examined in a larger contest these questions encompass many different facets in many differing realms including those of environmental, financial, ethical, business practice, spirituality, population, health care, human rights and governmental concerns.  This by no means is an exhaustive list.  Anyways, like I’ve said, I’ve been doing a lot of research into all areas hoping to keeping an open mind and just trying to find the questions.  It’s easy to take a side when the food banks are filling up with people not food and it’s almost easier to back up opinions that support the negativity these days.  What I’m more interested in is thinking for myself and trying not to be so quick to judge.  Both are difficult and necessary.

I may have been Catholic in my past life!

So ~ trying to main true to my word, the idea that I haven’t blogged in a few days is killing me!  Correction.  The guilt of saying one thing and doing another is killing me.  It’s not that I haven’t had the time or inclination to write, I just don’t have a damn thing to say.  What doesn’t help are the WordPress stats displayed when you log into your account that declare that something like 1 385 204 new posts have been released today and that 3 393 502 new bloggers have signed up or some such nonsense.  Seriously!  So much for that looming threat of illiteracy.  Perhaps this is where I could do some more research or possibly just keep my meager little writings to the book under my bed, but really, what is it that others have to say that I don’t??  I’ve read blogs.  In fact I love reading blogs.  Ask me what they’re about and truth be told I’m not damn sure what any of them say.  I dunno why I put so much pressure on myself to be not only profound but witty.  (I know. I know. I have yet to make good on those notions as well!)  Let’s just agree that it’s a good thing that this isn’t an overly visual medium because explaining to you how sexy I am might just damage your current ideology of me.   Oh, speaking about sexy.  Sometimes I can just be so pathetic that I just need to out myself – as though making my embarrassing moments public makes them well, less embarrassing – I’m not sure how that logic works either but I’m going to go with the idea that I’m really comfortable with myself and that somehow justifies my lack of privacy sufficiently without the need to lie back down on the shrink’s couch.  Ok. Back to my stupid story.  I was just screwing around online today and I went onto kijiji.ca, which for those of you who don’t know is a website of free local  classified ads.  Anyways, I was checking out the free stuff section – not much there.  Then I check out employment in search for some really amazing worker who we could hire at the flower shop or maybe just to do my laundry and clean the cat litter.  From there, I was still looking for something to distract me from Dr.Phil who I hate but since I only get one channel on my TV it’s either him or nothing and well today, I choose him so yes! I ended up looking at the… what do they call them… the personal ads.  I dunno what I was thinking.  It is amazing just how many men are out there looking for the love of their lives.  AND yet!  I think the pathetic-ness is contagious because you have no idea how tempted I was to reply to some of these.  I actually just wanted to see photos of these guys.  It’s the weirdest culture ever!  All of this lead me to think about the world of online dating and how despite my age I seem to have fallen somewhere between acceptance and the state of clueless-ness.  Maybe that’s not true.  I am closer to the clueless end of this long term social experiment.  Fair enough, it’s not that I’m looking for someone to reproduce or more specifically rub loins with right now but when I start feelin’ the fire again lord knows what I’m going to do.  I won’t deny the truth that lies in the difficulty of finding someone like Bruce Springsteen, um I mean potential loin mate, but I wonder how things have specifically and actually changed over the years ~you know in those days prior to facebook, crackberries and well, kijiji ads?

Still just trying to learn right from wrong.

I haven’t blogged in months!!! It’s not that I haven’t thought about it and I even somehow think that it’s important ( I haven’t given this theory enough attention to know why but I do).  I have recovered from the worst ever bout of depression.  What a LLLOOOONNNNGGG year!!  I’ve never felt so terrible in my whole life.  Along my battle field of a year I ended up hurting some very important people in my life.  I am not proud of this but you cannot right all wrongs.  When you are not well sometimes it’s all that you can do to stay alive.  I have been able to reconcile some of these relationships and have fully destroyed others.  This is the part that even now in my happiest of days brings a haunting tear to my eye.  You cannot undo the past!!! That’s a hard lesson to fully comprehend and evaluate when you’re hurting so badly inside.

Last night I saw one of such people who I have hurt so badly.  Their name will remain void of this blog for privacy reasons and to save me some embarrassment for being such a cruel and unusual person.  While I still feel connected to this person I know that they do not tell me everything about them self or their life because there must be some sort of need to protect me and most definitely them self.  My smiles and grand plans and bright future are taken with a gain of salt while some truths must remain silent.  While I am grateful for this preservation I cannot help but feel like a retarded child being talked about in front of their face – I guess what I”m saying is I feel slightly insulted.

BUT  here I am smiling, having fun, building relationships and not having sex.  I feel like a born again Christian and because of that, sometimes I even hate myself for being so fucking happy.  I don’t honestly know what changed!  I did stop seeing my shrink (which I wouldn’t generally recommend – especially since I do love mine) but I was seeing Dr.Zebrowski so often I think I just kept reliving my sludge.  It’s very hard to get over yourself and your circumstances when all you do is revisit them and contemplate how the past will not change.  Since the “BIG” change I have also made a point of only keeping good people by my side.  I’m not so sure how I found so many but when you stop crying you start to notice all the brilliant and inspiring people around you.  I am “blessed” – arh!

Ok. So I think that’s enough of an update.  I will blog more frequently.  I have a huge crush on Elizabeth Gilbert and could probably spend sometime admiring her!! I know – not very advent garde but damn it! it’s honest.

i’d love to be in paris today

so. as much as i feel it necessary to express my insanity i also feel that i must report my return trip. things last week were pretty bad.  it all kinda started Wednesday and progressively got worse.  Thursday and Friday i cried embarrassingly but uncontrollably at work.  come Friday afternoon i called my shrink and went in for an emergency visit.  he didn’t know what to say to me either.  he let me know which doctor was on call at the hospital this weekend.  i was sincerely planning to move in there but things have come around.  and thank goodness too.  oddly enough, when i was sort of feeling like the lowest of the low i went to our student art exhibition at Rodman Hall.  i had my “design for a new tomorrow” photographs in the show.  as it turns out i also won first place.

holy crap.  i was surprised…. i guess i still am actually.  it’s hard to feel like a piece of shit when people have lovely things to say about you.  it wasn’t a cure that’s for sure but it certainly helped me to come to where i am at this moment – a normal, non-crying, fairly emotionally stable, self-confident woman.  what more could i want?  (well, i’d love to be in paris today).

i’m so tired of feeling like this

so, things aren’t better.  in fact you could say they’re fucked.  this depression is really starting to get on my tits.  i’m tired of it.  i’m tired of playing victim.  and as tired and bitchy about the whole thing that i am i can’t seem to shake these feelings and even more terrible are these thoughts.  i’m really struggling.  i was thinking today of maybe checking myself back into the hospital this weekend.  i just need to get away from myself.  i just need to be taken care of… and let go.  you know what, i hate talking about my feelings face to face when i’m going through this sludge but i do think that it’s important to talk about depression.  i know that i’m not the only one wishing i had the courage to slit my writs.  i think it’s good to put it out there because i know how it feels to be alone with these feelings, especailly when you’re young.  i’m currently still feeling scatty and scared in my thoughts.  i tired to go to the gym tonight and just blare my mp3.  it helped but not enough for me to ignore this big black wave which envelopes me.  wish me luck… i’m gonna need it.

I’m nothing more than a whiny country tune. (Oh dear!)

Well, it’s actually turned out to be a lovely day.  Work ended up calling early this morning and I was granted another day off.  When days off come unexpected it’s a weird feeling.  I feel like… like I’ve just stolen time.

Went and saw Dr.Zebrowski this morning.  I suffer from depression and it’s been one hell of a year.  I go and confess all of my sins and try to be, oh I don’t know, a better person I guess, or rather just someone that I can live with.  We talked about Mike again or rather of course.  What more is there really to say about that.  I’m in love and he’s not.  It’s hard.  Why is it that no one ever talks about heart break in real life.  I guess music is full of it and more particularly country music.  I hope I’m not that whiny but I know that I am.  Could it be true that I’m nothing more than a whiny country song?  Mike did call me on Valentine’s day.  I thought it was nothing.  He just wanted to see that I was alright seeing as I didn’t call him on his birthday.  Dr. Zebrowski says that if Mike was just honestly concerned he would have called on the 15th or 16th.  Apparently concerned ex-lovers don’t call on Valentine’s day.  I’m not sold on it though.  The great wise one and I also talked about “hope” or rather I listened.  The doc talked about the airplane crash that happened in New York City a few weeks back and compared it to the crash that happened last week in Buffalo.  The NYC crew and passengers are being touted around the national and even international airwaves when the Buffalo tragedy is already history.  Dr. Zebrowski says that this is the case because as people we grasp onto hope.  When everyone’s dead (as in the Buffalo scenario) there is no hope, there is no feel good story.  The New York case however provides a victorious epic of hope.  Without hope people and specifically I cannot go on.  Everyday I have to hope that Mike will again one day love me.  I don’t even know that if in my soul of soul I want this to be true.  I am so torn but because I have been rejected I find myself clinging to this hope.  I know that we will never be together again like we’ve been in the past.  There is too much that has happened between us.  I AM moving on. I am moving away.   I have goals that don’t include him.  He, I’m sure has similar feelings.  His life is too busy for love and that I find difficult to respect and accept.  I guess we all have our own ways of coping so really who is this pill popper to judge.  Still though, Mike deserves so much but he has much to figure out for himself.   While I blubber on it remains true that Mike sent me a text message today saying that he is still hot for me.  That did make me smile and make me feel not so alone in this world so what do ya say now doc.                     Tomorrow’s a new day.  I do love you Michael Dodd (if you’re out there).

Well, that’s it for me.  I’m off to conquer the world (…or my fears).  They’re both one in the same I guess.  Homework is piling up and I’m off to Toronto tomorrow to pick up my prints.  Wish me luck.  If I can one day figure out how to post photos I’ll share.  If you know how please msg me.  Thanks and good night.