I’m nothing more than a whiny country tune. (Oh dear!)
Well, it’s actually turned out to be a lovely day. Work ended up calling early this morning and I was granted another day off. When days off come unexpected it’s a weird feeling. I feel like… like I’ve just stolen time.
Went and saw Dr.Zebrowski this morning. I suffer from depression and it’s been one hell of a year. I go and confess all of my sins and try to be, oh I don’t know, a better person I guess, or rather just someone that I can live with. We talked about Mike again or rather of course. What more is there really to say about that. I’m in love and he’s not. It’s hard. Why is it that no one ever talks about heart break in real life. I guess music is full of it and more particularly country music. I hope I’m not that whiny but I know that I am. Could it be true that I’m nothing more than a whiny country song? Mike did call me on Valentine’s day. I thought it was nothing. He just wanted to see that I was alright seeing as I didn’t call him on his birthday. Dr. Zebrowski says that if Mike was just honestly concerned he would have called on the 15th or 16th. Apparently concerned ex-lovers don’t call on Valentine’s day. I’m not sold on it though. The great wise one and I also talked about “hope” or rather I listened. The doc talked about the airplane crash that happened in New York City a few weeks back and compared it to the crash that happened last week in Buffalo. The NYC crew and passengers are being touted around the national and even international airwaves when the Buffalo tragedy is already history. Dr. Zebrowski says that this is the case because as people we grasp onto hope. When everyone’s dead (as in the Buffalo scenario) there is no hope, there is no feel good story. The New York case however provides a victorious epic of hope. Without hope people and specifically I cannot go on. Everyday I have to hope that Mike will again one day love me. I don’t even know that if in my soul of soul I want this to be true. I am so torn but because I have been rejected I find myself clinging to this hope. I know that we will never be together again like we’ve been in the past. There is too much that has happened between us. I AM moving on. I am moving away. I have goals that don’t include him. He, I’m sure has similar feelings. His life is too busy for love and that I find difficult to respect and accept. I guess we all have our own ways of coping so really who is this pill popper to judge. Still though, Mike deserves so much but he has much to figure out for himself. While I blubber on it remains true that Mike sent me a text message today saying that he is still hot for me. That did make me smile and make me feel not so alone in this world so what do ya say now doc. Tomorrow’s a new day. I do love you Michael Dodd (if you’re out there).
Well, that’s it for me. I’m off to conquer the world (…or my fears). They’re both one in the same I guess. Homework is piling up and I’m off to Toronto tomorrow to pick up my prints. Wish me luck. If I can one day figure out how to post photos I’ll share. If you know how please msg me. Thanks and good night.
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