Hiccups, Insecurities and Mad Ramblings (but not as bad as they have been)
You know what? I’m not sure I can pull this off. Things are fine. School is fine. Work is fine. Life is fine but you know what…. overall there is this nagging thing in me that asks “do you really think you can pull this off?” Pull what off??!! Maybe it’s just autumn. Maybe it’s 7:30 and the sun or the hopes of such are long gone. Maybe it’s rained for a week and my spirits are diminishing because of that. So here I am just humming along and well… it’s not a wall but a speed bump of sorts… maybe even a hiccup that asks me to self reflect for a minute and ask myself if these are lies that I’m projecting or if this just my new truth. (New truth?) Even now as I write this I feel a bit scat. I’m not even sure what lies or not lies I am talking to myself about. Maybe it’s about keeping myself too busy because I’m hiding from some big unknown, oh I don’t even know… I think I’m just making this up now. 
Last night my friend had said how she was lonely and wanted a boyfriend for the winter. I thought it was nonsense. She is lovely and smart and independent and well actually, quite brilliant. What does she need an ol’ man hanging around her neck for? I told her that I would be her boyfriend which thankfully didn’t meet her requirements so to speak. The idea of loneliness and companionship seemed like far and removed ideas to me last night even in the wee of the hours. Today – or rather tonight – not so distant needy notions. Maybe it has to do with an email I received from you know who. It was about him wanting to get together but not having the time or what have you, for me right now. Essentially… it was just more rejection. I am more mad at myself about not being able to step aside. I am a terrible person. I really am. And I am more terrible to myself than anything else and I don’t know how to stop. It turns out that there is no pill and talking seems to make it worse. Maybe being busy is the answer. Maybe moving to the other side of the world will provide me with the clarity I need to maintain some sort of normalcy. I feel like all I do is nag on and nag about the same old thing on this blog but you know what…? it is an accurate reflection of my insecure pathetic awkward self. This is where I vent and decompress. Thankfully it has been less frequently but I did make an appointment with my psychiatrist who I will see few weeks from now. That’ll be a story no doubt.
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