I am fine.

So… Today was the day.  Back to the shrink I went.  Overall thumbs up.  When I first entered the hall there was a big handmade poster in red marker claiming that you needed to go and have a health check in room 207 to see if you have the flu.  207?  I see an open door just prior to the sign… good possibility.  I ask the lady where I go.  She asks me if I’m visiting someone… turns out if the frothing from the mouth goes away and you suddenly are deemed… oh I don’t know what.  I told her that I am a patient.  She asks me if I have the flu.  I tell her “no”.  She says I can go but that she’s not the health nurse.  Random.  I sit in the waiting room.  It all feels the same but different.  The shit magazines are missing.  I have nothing to read but women’s fashion magazines which do nothing for self esteem.  Probably not a good place for them.

My doctor comes to the waiting room.  He is pleased to see me.  He smiles like he’s not supposed to smile.  He asks me the same question he always asks when I see him.  ”How are you?”  I tell him I am fine.  He asks again, incase I want to change my mind before the door closes? Ha.  Turns out the last time I saw him was March 6.  That was a long time ago.  He says that last time I saw him I was off and on… both in mental stability and pharmaceutically.  He asks me how things have been.  I tell him.  Things have been wonderful.  They really have.  I had the most amazing summer since… since I was like… actually… maybe EVER! I’m not so enthusiastic in my answer as I am here but I am honest.  I tell him that I feel great.  I still have problems and difficulties.  I cry a bit.  It’s okay.  We talk about work, family, friends.  We talked about people and places in the past and their influence on me now.  My doctor and I are much happier about these subjects now.  I say sarcastic things about myself – partly because I believe them – but more so to be funny.  This man knows no humor.  He tells me that I am a wonderful person and that I have always deserved much better.  I know that he means this.  He wouldn’t have said it unless he did.  We also discuss how some things don’t change… like how I do too much.  We both know that this is a coping mechanism, that sometimes doesn’t work but for the most part its successful.  I cry a few more times.  I am safe.  I release.  And I am fine.  I am just fine.

~ by Carrie Perreault on October 13, 2009.